Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

Another decade! Hard to believe!

I have now been in Portland seven months. It doesn’t feel like that long even though I have gone from that place of everything is new and exciting to that of somewhat familiar. Although, I still get lost on occasion and have not even scratched the surface in uncovering all the quaint restaurants and shops Portland has to offer. I am a huge fan of small boutique and artisan shops. Fortunately, Portland has many and I have met people who are introducing me to the quaintness and uniqueness of Portland. 

I have managed somehow to pack on 15 pounds since my arrival. As my friend’s two year old would say, “Howd dat hapin?”  I am not so sure. Well, ok, too much eating out and I stopped running.  I miss my 20’s where all I had to do is reduce what I ate and exercise – gone in a few weeks. This is NOT true of the 40’s. Ah well, one step at a time. I have hit the gym and donned the running shoes despite the screaming ankle.

This is the first Christmas in 25 years where I am not joining the hustle and bustle of other travelers. I am not glued to the weather report listening for incoming storms in Boston, Philly, Denver, or Chicago and then wondering if I should reschedule my flight or risk getting caught somewhere. I am not stressing about how I am going to squeeze in family AND friends once I arrive in Portland.  It is the first year I won’t have a chance to read all those magazines I get. I typically went through at least 10 magazines and a book flying coast to coast during the Holidays.  This year I am working through Christmas Eve, will celebrate Christmas with my family, connect with new and old friends and then back to work on Monday.  I have to admit, it feels very strange. 

Many years ago someone told me it isn’t change that is hard, it is the transition! AMEN to that. It is hard to talk about because people either assume I must be happy or unhappy with my move, but it really is neither of those emotions – it is just different.  I am in the midst of creating a new life and am not sure what that is going to look like.  I think as we get older we are more attached to routine and this is my first year where nothing is routine. I admit, I miss the routine.  I still believe moving west was something I needed to do, but all the same harder than I thought. Recently, I had dinner with a psychiatrist colleague and mentioned that I didn’t give enough attention to how hard it was going to be to leave a life I was fairly content with the last 7 years. Not to mention coming back to west coast culture. He said in the last seven months I have experienced at least three of the top stressors in life. In some way unbeknownst to him that validated all my mixed emotions. PHEW! Glad that is cleared up!  I know, blah, blah, blah, I keep writing of my transition, but  that has been my head space the last several months. That is not to say I haven’t had some great experiences and met some wonderful people – I just haven’t found my groove. Basically, Stella’s looking for her groove and believes it will unfold in 2010 as 2009 has been a lot of letting go. I have connected with a few organizations focused on ending poverty and addressing homelessness as this work is important to me and I look forward to strengthening the connection to these organizations in 2010.

This year Portland was saved from the snow and ice that hit the region last year and instead we will experience a relatively warm clear day. Personally, I am disappointed it won’t be a white Christmas. A part of me misses the events around cold weather:  hot chocolate, sledding, crunchy snow, cabin trips, attempting to ice skate, trips to Quebec City, getting stuck, then unstuck, snow shoeing, moonlight x-country skiing, and watching the snow fall while sipping warm coffee. However, this is not the experience of Portlanders.  If you want to watch someone have a near apoplectic fit, mention snow to or near someone from Portland.

Yes, it is true, Portland is not designed for snow fall, which apparently has traumatized the people. I don’t mean to be rude, but the reaction to the mere mention of snow is quite intense.  However, for me, I have incredibly fond New England snow memories packed with laughter. I will conveniently forget what happens as the snow begins to melt, the hassle of walking a dog on a sheet of ice, the angst of hitting the car brake, only to continue to move forward (typically down a hill), and what the salt and gravel does to your shoes, clothes, cars, and floors. And, no doubt in March as signs of spring blossom in Portland, I will be thankful as I know in New England it will be early to late May before it begins to feel like spring.

I have started what has become a ritual over the last three years of evaluating the past year and writing what I have learned, how I have grown, etc. This includes writing a list of what I am releasing and setting intentions for the New Year. I have really enjoyed this ritual as it honors endings and new beginnings. 

In 2010 I am looking forward to a trip to the Galapagos Islands, which is something I have wanted to do since I was 27. I still remember the catalog I held onto for years with the trip circled. I am excited to see my nephew continue to develop and spend time with that sweet little baby girl in California who can demolish a room faster than a hurricane and then ask, “Howd dat hapin?” I am going to Colorado to take advantage of teachings from teachers I have admired for years, Fleet Maul and Pema Chodron.  Cycle Oregon is a possibility as are the San Juan Islands and a volunteer trip to New Orleans.  I hope to have visits from my DHMC partners in crime, Ann and Cricket, or perhaps we will reunite in Alaska or Montana! And, who knows what else will unfold based on my New Year intentions.

May all have a prosperous New Year!!!! 

May unconditional love blossom ever more in your heart!
May your heart-mind resonate in loving-kindness!
May all your actions of body, speech and mind serve all beings!
May you love and be loved for who you are!
May all beings overcome suffering and live happiness with wisdom!
May form and emptiness generate ever more awareness in your life!
May wisdom and compassion combined flourish in you!

May you pursue your path with the universal essence of all beings!

Giving Thanks!

On my walk with Cody in the misty rain, I thought I would use this peaceful morning to update my blog. Time has a way of slipping away. Someone once said as we age time increases exponentially. I have to admit as I watch my face change with the years that puts a wee bit of fear in my heart, but I remember this quote posted on a friend’s FB wall, Age may wrinkle the face, but lack of enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

I have been in awe and moved by the amount of gratitude being expressed on Facebook and Twitter. Perhaps this was there last year and I don’t remember or perhaps this year people are more in touch how much there is to be thankful for in this life. I have spent time volunteering with Sisters of the Road and the Oregon Food Bank, which has really driven home how thankful I am for what I have. The opportunity to volunteer there has provided fantastic perspective as I realize most of us are only one disaster away from homelessness -we just don’t acknowledge it. Both organizations’ mission is to eradicate poverty and hunger. I hope that can happen, but in the meantime that is part of my purpose in this life to do what I can to to be a part of the belief.

This Thanksgiving, I want to express how very thankful I am for all who are in my life or who have been in my life. I truly believe people move in and out of one’s life purposefully. Sometimes people show up to help you grow or view the world with a different lens, then they move on. Some people are in your life for a long time and the richness of their presence grows even though at times you have to step back a bit to see that because the tendency is to take these people for granted.

I am still in shock that 2010 is almost here, I can remember like it was yesterday writing my intentions for 2009. The last eight months have moved like a speeding train with change, healing, and transition as the coal. I knew in 2008 I wanted to move west, but had no idea how that was going to happen and quite honestly was scared to leave the familiar. Even though the familiar wasn’t working anymore. However, in 2009 things started to shift and I was presented with the opportunity to move. Despite that decision led to another painful decision, the time to move west had come. I had no idea all that came with those decisions.

Well, my personal transitions and realizations are not what I intended to write about so I will summarize. I am settling into Portland, I still feel a little lost some days as so much is still not familiar, but I am finding my groove. I didn’t realize how much rural life had permeated my lens of the world. After seven years of a quiet bucolic life, I was a bit fearful of certain aspects of the city. Mostly fear I created myself vs. reality. Oh, and, I am still subtracting three hours when I think of California, but perhaps that is age surfacing. So on this day as everyone is pausing to give thanks, I want to put forth my thanks to all who are in my life.

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.-Melody Beattie

A funny quote- GOD bless the optimists, something I will never be.

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."

-Irv Kupcinet

Personal Authenticity

Little time to write so stealing this as it resonated with me.
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A Marker on the Path to Personal Authenticity:
"The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to himself."

~ Don Juan Yaqui Indian shaman, in Tales of Power,by Carlos Castaneda, (1925-present),Peruvian-born American author and mystic

San Francisco Photos Take 2

Giving Flickr a try. Take 2!

http://flickr.com/gp/43707829@N08/456bF6

I will write soon! The last several months have been a ride!

The seal is broken

Have you ever thought you were over something or someone?Thought you had moved through the sticky emotional roller coaster of a situation or a person....then realize NOPE not so. Is it denial or does something just get touched? I am not sure, but I had a experience yesterday that broke the seal. I felt the return of that cold weightless feeling, that feeling of someone reaching in and grabbing hold of my heart. In some ways I think these things that happen to resurface - bring forth what is not being faced is good. One cannot truly move past or through or on without facing it directly with compassion and strength!

The Energy of Cities

I really liked this one so much thought it was blog worthy since I haven't had time to do my own writing.

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Daily Om
September 9, 2009

The cities we reside in have souls. Our cities consume, create, evolve, and breathe much in the same way Mother Nature does. Each city is unique, defined not only by the individuals who call it home but also by the energy it exudes. Some cities are suffused by an aura of unshakable calm while others seem continually frenetic, even during the early morning hours. Many inspire creativity within us or arouse our curiosity. A city’s energy is dependent on many factors, including the geography, the people, the industry, and the culture. Residing in a city full of warehouses and factories feels very different than one living in one populated by artists and museums. Some cities elevate the soul while others seem to squash it, and fate may lead us to either.

If the urban center you presently call home feels oppressive or robs you of your vitality, consider relocating to a locale that is more nurturing. You may find that leaving your city is an impossibility, however, if circumstances in your life compel you to remain or the universe has plans for you that involve your staying put. To cope with the stress of working and playing in an environment you have an aversion to, first ask yourself how the city you live in makes you feel. Then take steps to cleanse your home, your work spaces, and your life of the energy that is dragging you down. Try smudging your personal and professional spaces with sage or sweetgrass to dispel negativity. Keeping a quartz crystal on or near your person can ensure that there is always positive, loving energy nearby that you can draw from when you feel affected by your city. And you can do your part to promote widespread good energy by sending love and white light from your heart out into the city each morning and night.

As you become increasingly aware of the way your city makes you feel, you can refine your cleansing efforts to meet your individual needs. If you seek out others who feel driven to purify your city’s energy flow, your combined efforts can become a larger movement that promotes healing and goodwill. You may find that, after a time, you are gradually drawn to those aspects of your locale that energize you, helping you come back into balance.

Rental boxing!

Looking for rentals is a lot like boxing. You need to exit to the side for a some cold water in the face and mouth then get right back in the ring! Ok. here I go!

Uber Drooler

Two Months!

I can’t believe I have been in Portland two months. It feels longer. A lot has shifted in me the last two months. Overall life in Portland is going well. I am starting to grow weary of looking for a place to live as I feel distracted most of the time as that weighs on my mind. However, I am very much enjoying my time in between. I am taking and ENJOYING Spanish. Something I have wanted to do for a long time as I want to continue to spend more time in Latin America not to mention sponsor a child from Guatemala.

Today I rode across 8 Portland bridges. *Hawthorne *Ross Island * Marquam * Burnside * Broadway * Fremont * St. Johns * Broadway. What a great experience!!

More Photos

http://picasaweb.google.com/dduncan1013/JourneyWest?feat=directlink

I feel blessed to have met and reconnected with people who unwittingly help push my edges and grow as a person.

The pace of traffic still leaves me with the desire to pull my hair out. However, I have now taken to journaling while driving. Are you scared? What else does one do going 40 mph on a highway!! A highway!!!

Thirty degree variance

Last week it was 100+ degrees and this week there were times it was as low as 65 degrees. Despite the lack of sleep due to lack of air flow, I want to go on record as saying, I prefer the heat. I find during the year I am cold far more than I am hot, so I relish the days I am hot. I have little doubt there are a handful of people who complain when it is hot and complain when it is cold and that in another four months the complaint is going to be cold & rainy. Of course this is the case in the Upper Valley. SORRY to hear my New England friends. The Northwest in general loves to make weather THE NEWS! The Portland heat wave brought numerous it’s hot and tomorrow’s going to be hotter headlines and ways to beat the heat and any other story the media could grab to create a headline.

Casualty of the heat

One 90 degree morning as I walked to work I noticed a dead baby bird on the sidewalk. I assumed it must have fallen from a nest. I stared at it for a while trying to determine its status. I was torn about continuing onward because if it wasn’t dead, I didn’t feel right leaving it there to suffer. Of course, I didn’t know what I would do if it were alive. I wondered, do I step on it? Do I throw it in traffic? All of these sounded absolutely horrific to me, but leaving it to suffer seemed equally horrific. I was in a quandary. I assessed it was dead and continued on to work, but the questioned stayed with me, what was the right thing to do.

Two Cadillacs and a Scooter

The same week on a hot afternoon, I made a left two turn only to discover the right lane blocked by two low rider Caddys. The drivers seemed to think that the middle of the street was a good place to catch up or perform a transaction - who knows. I was feeling irritated and annoyed so I threw it into reverse to pass them when I heard a beep and something hit my bumper. My heart went to my stomach because I didn’t see anything in my side or rearview mirror. I finally heard a HEY! It was a woman on a scooter. I rolled down my window to see if she was ok. She raised her hand at the two Caddys, “WHAT ARE THEY DOING!?” She then said, “I think you bumper is bent, but other that no worries.” She was so pleasant and friendly. She scooted on while I sat there feeling sick and shaken. The commotion seemed to cause the Caddy drivers to disperse so I went on my way wishing I were an animal that could shake off the adrenaline running through my body.

Feeling the fear & tractor rides

Last weekend I went on my first Portland bike ride. It was great to get back on a bike. I love riding! We crossed the Sellwood Bridge on the way back to our respective cars. Well, for those not familiar with the bridge it is a very narrow bridge. Biking, walking, scootering, running are all done on one side on a narrow sidewalk shared by street lamps. There is no forgiveness for bikers. You either crash into the wall and risk going over into the Willamette River or fall into traffic. Pick your poison. That being said it doesn’t stop cyclists from riding across despite the recommendations to walk across. I, however, decided I was going to attempt to ride it. I felt exhilarated once I reached the other side. I am trying hard to feel the fear and do it any way. To push at my edges and do what I normally wouldn’t do; break out of my tendency to stay in my cocoon. I don’t always follow-through, but I did that day. Later that day I went to a long-time friend’s dad’s house and got a tractor ride on 1940s restored John Deere tractor! What a treat!

Peace on Earth

I was reading comments on a blog I read regularly. I find it interesting how some can deliver a slap and hug at the same time and truly believe they are peaceful type people.

A little example. I took a the middle and left the beginning and ending. The middle was backing up the beginning.

S’s attitude, as evidenced by self-serving statements, is indicative of what is wrong with our life on planet Earth.

Love, Light.Peace and boundless Joy for all in our Universe

Going with the flow!!!!!

This showed up in my inbox after I wrote the river rafting analogy. I thought it was a perfect extension.
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The expression going with the flow is a metaphor that applies to navigating a river. When we go with the flow, we follow the current of the river rather than push against it. People who go with the flow may be interpreted as lazy or passive, but to truly go with the flow requires awareness, presence, and the ability to blend one’s own energy with the prevailing energy. Going with the flow doesn’t mean we toss our oars into the water and kick back in the boat, hoping for the best. Going with the flow means we let go of our individual agenda and notice the play of energy all around us. We tap into that energy and flow with it, which gets us going where we need to go a whole lot faster than resistance will. 



Going with the flow doesn’t mean that we don’t know where we’re going; it means that we are open to multiple ways of getting there. We are also open to changing our destination, clinging more to the essence of our goal than to the particulars. We acknowledge that letting go and modifying our plans is part of the process. Going with the flow means that we are aware of an energy that is larger than our small selves and we are open to working with it, not against it. 



Many of us are afraid of going with the flow because we don’t trust that we will get where we want to go if we do. This causes us to cling to plans that aren’t working, stick to routes that are obstructed, and obsess over relationships that aren’t fulfilling. When you find yourself stuck in these kinds of patterns, do yourself a favor and open to the flow of what is rather than resisting it. Trust that the big river of your life has a plan for you and let it carry you onward. Throw overboard those things that are weighing you down. Be open to revising your maps. Take a deep breath and move into the current. http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/19412.html

A little to say about nothing.

Cody’s turned 5 on July 20. Happy Birthday!! It, of course, was just another day to him. Thank goodness, as I forgot until later that day. He got a belated trip to the dog park for my neglect!

It is a scorcher!! I am loving this summer heat!!! This week the forecast is 95+ every day!! Did I mention NO humidity!!

I have discovered Twitter & Twitterfeed. I must admit I like it. I can feed the blogs and various news updates I receive to twitter instead clogging my e-mail inbox.

I have found a radio station that plays 80’s music. Nothing like a little The Cure & Morrissey to start the day. And, this past weekend there was plenty of the ‘80s hair bands such as Def Leppard. Another station was playing John Denver. Ah, nothing like Rocky Mountain High, Colorado!! Good stuff!

I do believe Portland driving is going to be my undoing. It is painfully slow!!!

Given it may be a few months before I have a place of my own, I collected my clothes out of storage. When I opened the boxes, I realized after a month in the "big" city, my clothes are horribly dated. This was confirmed when I took them to the consignment shop. I believe what the woman at the consignment shop said was the Portland look was a bit “harder.” The woman at the consignment shop was a double for Maxxe by the way. The woman who went on the Guatemala trip with me. At any rate, the consignment shop woman was right so we put the clothes in a barrel to go to a local charity. Hell, I had a cute little suede jacket with, uh, shoulder pads! Scary! I kept the jacket though, it is super cute, I couldn’t part with it. Yes, it is a sickness.

I don’t think I am edgy enough for Portland. I need to reinvent myself, which just might include a tattoo. There are many tattooed people in Portland. I understand it is an art expression, but I struggle with the amount I see on the neck and chest. I saw a woman today with angel wings around her neck. I think this must be the naivety or perhaps ignorance of youth. What exactly does she think those wings are going to look like as she begins to lose her youthful tautness? Is this something that twenty somethings don’t think about? Perhaps it just doesn’t matter. I suppose she can figure that out when she gets on the other side of 35. All I know, is I preferred my youth of thick black eyeliner and heavy blue eyeshadow. There are only photos to remind me vs. looking like Tammy Fay. I wouldn’t mind a tattoo, but it will be discreet and in place that will have minimum sag. So needless to say it won’t be on my butt. Ha ha!!

People amuse me! Last week I got on the elevator at floor 16 along with another woman heading to floor G. A man from engineering got in at floor 12 and hit the floor 3 button. The sigh from the woman was audible to us both. The man said something I don’t remember, it might have even been an apology about not going to G. He was met with a very stern gaze from the woman who then looked at me as if I shared her frustration. The thing is, I am not sure what exactly was making her so angry. I laughed and said, “Well, we almost made it to G. Oh well.” This made me the object of the stern gaze the man had just received. I found myself engaging in babbling happy chatter with the man because I didn’t want him to feel bad and the woman’s angry energy was making me nervous. When I we exited at G, I remembered something a former boss used to say, “You choose your attitude.” I admit some days it doesn’t feel that way, but it is true.

Funny things overheard

“Do you think I am going to smell by the end of the week.” The young girl said to her friend as she got in the car. Hmmmmmmm.

Expectations

Expectations are fascinating. Expectations are insidious and have the capacity to create misunderstandings that have deleterious effects on relationships.

We all have them. Sometimes we are conscious of them, sometimes we are not. We stand opposite someone with our expectations and some of us hit the indignant button when the other does not act or respond according to our expectations, and even worse has their own set of expectations. Some of us think that something is fundamentally wrong with us and must not measure up, instead of realizing someone’s expectations has been placed on us. It seems it would be easier if we could compare expectation lists. I suppose this would not be realistic, so the best we can do is to work toward awareness and presence and owning and communicating our feelings and needs.

I read this somewhere:

If instead of having expectations we look at how things actually exist and turn inward for stability and happiness we can achieve a much more peaceful state of mind. We can still enjoy the positive things we experience in life but we won't be devastated when they eventually fade or fall away.

Dreaming is one thing, and working towards the

dream is one thing, but working with expectations
in the mind is very self-defeating.

-Michael Landon

The cutest!!!

I've seen the future and it will be!

My first blog on my new MacBook Pro. I LOVE IT!

It is little odd to visit the Apple store as most of the techs are about 21. I hate to admit they talk too fast for me. I try to find the guy with wrinkles for assistance! One guided me to a book! NICE! :-0 I can reference that again and again.

This blog will be a bit of non-sequitur, much like my last few weeks.

Randomness:

* You look like someone I know. I have received that comment numerous times in the last few weeks.

* Mt. Hood still takes my breath away.

* I have had many glimpses of the peak-less Mt St. Helens as well.

* I have no complaints about the weather. It has been absolutely stunning! My favorite day was when the air conditioning broke down at work! AH!!!!!!! warmth. I have not been able to convince Engineering that I am happiest at about 75 degrees. Ah well.

* I am reaching a zero tolerance for yappy dogs. My mom’s condo complex is full of them!

Present?

Present moment and mindfulness were lost on me this week. For example, I got on the elevator on floor 6 heading to floor 15. At floor 9 a guy got in and asked me where I was going. Right! I hadn’t pushed a button. Scary. He then asked me if I had gone to the basement and then back up. Yes, yes, I was riding the elevator to pass time. Well, it wasn’t an unreasonable question given I hadn’t pushed a button! I am surprised how spacey I am this week. I guess I am still adjusting. When I think about calling my friend Jen I still add three hours. Oops she lives in CA. For those who are more astrologically inclined perhaps it is the numerous eclipses occurring this month wreaking havoc on my inner life. I know, big eye roll for some.

I listened to the Sakyong and Pema Chodron talk this weekend. Both were an inspiration and I am looking forward to meeting the Sakyong in October.

At some point this week it hit me that moving was similar to rafting a class IV or perhaps even a V. I am riding the waves and at times even getting doused with very cold water. My feelings are: fear, exhilaration, excitement, apprehension, anticipation, and wonder.

Thinking of rafting reminds me of a time I fell out of the boat. Now mind you I had taken quite a few courses at the local pool, which I will go on record and say a pool does not replicate a river! The instructions we received should we fall out was orient yourself down stream and keep your feet up. Piece a cake in the friggen pool!!! The thing is I believed the instructors. This is a bit like the meditation instruction I have received: tighten your practice, focus on the out breath, stay with the experience, and label your thoughts. Um, ok, hard to do sitting on a cushion much less in day-to-day life.

My reality of falling out of a boat was equivalent to being tossed into a washing machine! Downstream? Um, right, I was spinning in circles. I couldn’t have pointed my feet downstream for a million dollars. I was tossed around like a rag doll, pushed to the bottom of the river, and slammed against rocks. I finally clutched my legs and attempted to roll in a ball to prevent my back from getting broken. All I could do is wait until my body was spit out from the rapids into the eddy. Fortunately I was unscathed other than numerous bruises on my legs.

Moral of this story: do not make decisions when tossed about! Hold on until you reach calmer waters!

Boredom led me to Twitter. OH NO! Why it doesn’t lead me to the must read books stacked on my floor, I haven’t a clue! So, in an attempt to stay busy and minimize my Internet surfing. I have signed up for a class at the local Shambhala Center, a Spanish class and a Social Justice Community Service class at the School of Buddhist studies. I have no idea what to expect from the latter, but all my favorite words were used!

GPS devices!

Tom Tom is leading me astray. Now that I am learning my own way I find it takes me on the strangest routes. I went to my brother’s on Saturday and was on the phone so I was at the mercy of Tom Tom as I don’t know my way there quite yet. It led me there by way of the back roads. Last weekend I went to Bainbridge Island and it led me to water. It was an amazing day so I thoroughly enjoyed the unplanned ferry ride. Mt. Rainier provided a stunning backdrop and Cody was lavished with attention on his first ferry ride. Of course, the ferry horn was about his undoing. I saw my first Improv show that night. What a great time!! Good to laugh that hard!

On the return home in attempt to avoid the ferry I tried to reroute Tom Tom and it wanted to take me nearly to Idaho! Finally, my friend, Stephanie, wrote down directions for me.

Still learning a lot about the mental health realm. I toured a facility and learned about the suicide proofing that goes into planning. The most intriguing to me was the suicide proof glass. It shatters, but a film prevents it from crumbling so it stays intact yet shattered. So one can’t go through it or cut themselves with the shards. There has to be a life analogy in there somewhere.

I still struggle with spelling psychiatrist. Sometimes I get it at first shot, but other times it takes 2-3 times!

"Trust that the big river of your life has a plan for you and let it carry you onward. Throw overboard those things that are weighing you down. Be open to revising your maps. Take a deep breath and move into the current."

Until next time. Namaste!

The Dance

The wounded is drawn to the illusion of strength. He proceeds with caution clutching a knife, which only enforces strength. Ah, but if wounded was perceptive he would recognize he is looking into a mirror. Perhaps, if he had noticed, then he would have been comfortable dropping the knife. Strength is deceptive. It is a shell that protects the softness and vulnerability inside. Each attack increases the shell’s thickness, but shatters what is inside. The wounded takes on the victim role and strength holds onto illusion. Velocity and attachment to the external keep the two in motion until nothing is left. There is nothing positive remaining, it was like it never happened.

Sun - it does a mind good!

I made it through the rain! The cloud of heaviness that was part of my experience last week has passed. Perhaps it is due to the fact that the sun has been shining all week. The first thing I see when I wake, is beautiful blue sky. I even canceled my gray coverage appointment because the sun is doing a fine job on disguising the gray.

I am still feeling a bit off, but I think that is more due to still feeling a little off center in my new environment and allergies! I now fully understand those who suffer from allergies and I am sorry if I was not empathetic. WHAT a miserable feeling. I had a sleepless night last night as my ears & throat were on fire, my nose and eyes were like a fire hydrant, and I could not stop sneezing. This combined with the fact my face and hands burned. YIKES. I think some of it was attributed to brushing out thousands of small green burrs from Cody's coat. He was covered head to toe. The little things were matted into his ears and chest area. He basically has no hair on his tail due to my butcher job. I definitely won't be going into dog grooming anytime soon. Thank God he doesn't care.

So how did he get this way? I spent the Fourth in Yamhill,OR. The wine country of Portland. It was absolutely beautiful!! And, Cody got to be a dog and shake off a seven day cross country drive and being cooped up for the last month and finally work those legs. He was the Golden Retriever version of Born Free. He rolled in the grass, hopped through the tall fields, ate poop, barked at horses, jumped in the pond, ate sticks, and ran and ran with his new Blue Heeler friend, Stone. A Golden Retriever's bliss. So despite being a mess, I am glad he got be a wild & crazy dog for a few hours.It was a wonderful way to spend my first Fourth in Oregon.

Last night one of the guests asked, "what does Fourth of July mean for us?" Or something to that effect. Given she was from Poland, I assume most of thought what does it mean for America, but that isn't what she meant. I found myself pondering that question this a.m. I am not sure I can answer it in the global sense, but last night felt like a lot of new beginnings. I sat on the deck with a friend of a friend whom I never met until last night. He and his relatively new wife are starting a new journey with a new home. Albeit it has been the root of a lot of stress for them from an outsider perspective it looks like new opportunities and a new chapter in their lives. I brought a friend from college with whom I reunited on Facebook and it turns out all these years later, we are at similar places in our lives. I believe there are no accidents and the night was full of new experiences, new beginnings and opportunities. I felt a warmth and excitement for the future. Something that has been lacking in my life for quite some time. Overall, I had a wonderful evening and was glad to share it with new friends.

Oh, my friend Jason started his journey from OR to VT today on a road bike. GO JASON!! I am sorry I missed connecting with you. Think positive thoughts for him!

The week
I love dog parks! My favorite names thus far are Cheesy, which is short for Cheezit and Stumper. Cracks me up!

This area is so dog friendly. I LOVE IT! The gas stations have treats. Water dishes line the street. Dogs are allowed outside where restaurants have outside seating. A friend & I took advantage of this and Cody was lavished with attention. I do believe Cody has had more contact with people in the last four weeks than the last five years of his dog life in VT.

Summer blows the cover on pleasant ville West Linn. With the windows open I can hear the couples fighting and parents yelling at their kids as I walk Cody.

I got a little over confident and didn't use my trusted navigator, Tom Tom going to work one morning. YUP. Got lost! I do use it less and less though.

I am still getting used to ramp lights. I can't tell you how many I have almost blown through, only to slam on the brake at the last minute with the realization,I have to wait until the light turns green. I see a ticket in my future for that or speeding.

When I move into my own place, I am going to have to spend a week at a coffee detox place. I spend far too much time at Starbucks and now they have this clever strategy to keep you addicted. Purchase a cup of coffee in the a.m. and get a receipt for a $2 iced drink after 2! Yeah, I see what you are doing Starbucks!!

BIG NEWS! I saw a Reach the Beach t-shirt on a cyclist this week. I was so excited!! I wanted to yell out, but he was on a bike and I was in a car!! After doing three, I would never do another, but GREAT memories!

Not much to say about work this week. I am enjoying it thus far, but I am still climbing the learning curve and building relationships.

Overall, I had a great week and even better three day weekend. I met new people and also spent some time just being a bum reading books and magazines. I haven't done that in months so I am feeling more relaxed. Today I am off to buy a new computer. I am going MacBook!! I figure the money I have saved living with my mom should be spent! Doing my job to stimulate the economy!

HAPPY FOURTH!!!


Photo credits: The first two Yamhill shots taken by Lynn

Moving forward!

Feelings are hard to feel & even harder to understand.
They'll pass when the time is right and not a moment sooner.
----Marcus Aurelius

Well the first two weeks flew by, but this week was on slow motion! Denial is powerful. I thought moving my life across
the U.S. would be like hitting the pause button. I would land in Portland and un-pause. I gave little thought to the impact of loss and change.

I now fully acknowledge - I am in transition. It isn't a pause button. It is a new album. It is closing the door on the past and opening the door to the future. And, that doesn't mean not staying connected to my VT/NH friends.
It means building a life in Portland, finding new places and people to spend time.

I still feel like a visitor as I am living out of a suitcase in my mom's spare bedroom. Is it Christmas?? My present feels pretty groundless. I have nothing to hang onto that feels safe, routine and familiar. I have been away from my family for 25 years so lots of readjustment in that category as well. My VT friend Christine, recommended I read The Future is Now. It is on the list!

I discovered this week memories can be intoxicating and seductive yet so rarely reflect what was. I think moving can bring a lot of things to surface, but as things start to settle to the bottom, you see it is still water -unchanged, it was only temporarily cloudy from the movement. I realized that as long as I am lost in reverie then I am preventing myself from moving forward. As always words are so easy to say and put on paper, it is the action that is the challenge, but all the same I am moving forward. I had a wonderful life in Vermont, but now I am in Oregon.

Saturday I had a glorious morning catching up with a friend from college – reunited through FB, bike riding through Vancouver with her friends, and listening to Portland Taiko Drummers.
http://www.portlandtaiko.org/about/index.html

This morning I had brunch with a childhood friend and her family. YUMMY WAFFLES AND JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE!!

I decided to take the bungalow and will move in August 1. I have lived in a lot of dumps in my lifetime some where mice ruled the household so I want a nice place to hang my hat for this chapter in my life. As a few have suggested via blog comments or e-mail, I have job and man options only four blocks away.

I spend a lot of time at Starbucks, Peet's Coffee & Tea, and the library for Internet access so I look forward to my own place. Although, I found the Peet's in the Pearl has the friendliest people. A lot of other Internet junkies happy to share their Internet hours if they leave early. The advantage is I spend a lot less time surfing given I have limited time.

Work
Meeting with psychiatrists has it advantages – nice offices, low lights, comfy chairs, and couches. This week I felt like I wanted to be the patient with transition blues, but I kept my professionalism and didn't ask for moving blues pills or lie down. I stuck with the ins and outs of Kaiser. Did anyone know they still shock people?! It is quite tame these days – nothing like Hollywood portrays!

I went to a clinic that has rubber wall rooms. Stand in those for awhile, you start to fill a little mind slippage. It would be over for me once the door was shut. I would be bouncing off the walls in no time. HA HA HA!
Of course, I could have used one or two of those when I worked in Orthopaedics.

Other fun mental health facts I have learned is the proper way to slit your wrists if you truly are serious about ending it all. If anyone THINKS of asking me how, I have a few psychiatrists to recommend.

I wish I could post a picture of Mt. Hood, but I have not been carrying my camera around this week. I need to find a more portable case. The view is absolutely stunning. I round the corner and BAM there it is! It takes my breath away!!

Carnage: My mom's neighbor's cat is a killer! I am assaulted with dead birds and mouse parts on a regular basis! LOCK THAT THING UP!!

Questions:
1) Why do monster trucks need to ride your butt? My thought is they must be lacking in size in something. It is always a male driver. It is getting tiring – it must be my VT plates.
2) Can I take the keys away from people who drive sports cars like an old Buick?

I can't make it through U2s new album. It is stuck on Magnificence and Moment of Surrender. Ah, Bono & The Edge!

I haven't lost my in car in awhile and am using Tom Tom (GPS) less and less. I am getting loads of exercise with all the walking as my car is often parked 10-12 blocks away from work.

TRAFFIC. An adjustment. Oregon road rules: Turn on your signal and people brake. I find that entertaining. My mom tells me that it is in the driver's manual to be nice to out of state drivers.

I saw two cars bump into each other like bumper cars. I was in such a daze this week that it looked like it was happening in slow motion. I was completely disconnected that it was happening right in front of me. They bumped doors and parted.

Homelessness is everywhere. It was very much part of my Upper Valley life, but hidden. Here, it is in your face. I read the signs as I sit at a stoplight in my CRV on the way to my paid job. Some of the stories are so sad. I wonder is there a solution or is this part of the society we live in. I thought of something a friend used to say that he had heard somewhere, what is the most important thing. So I am carrying a stack of ones. Now, not for one second do I think I am helping, but I feel it is something. Whether it is the right thing, I don't know.
My grandma used to say the reason she fed the homeless who slept on her front porch is because you never know if one of them might be Jesus. I am not the religious type, but I always liked this saying.

When I was in college I used to hang out with the homeless guys who frequented the curb outside a local bar I frequented. My boldness influenced by youth and alcohol. However, I did hear a lot. A lot I didn't understand at 21 and not sure I understand now.

The mentally ill homeless is another group. It is interesting working in the mental health department and beginning to learn the complexities of the mental health system.

I was walking to the MAX (train) and saw a woman with wild looking hair walking my direction spinning in circles swatting at something only she could see. I felt myself brace as I walked by her thinking she might take a swing at me. She didn't, but she paused and made a spitting sound at me. I felt fear and curiosity. She had a relatively clean appearance and shoes. I wondered where she spent her nights, where she eats, and where she gets her clothes.
I highly recommend The Soloist!



So this blog a bit more somber and no photos. I am going to work on both!

Two weeks already???

I received numerous requests to continue the blog. My current situation is sans internet, but I am spending time at a friend's today so thought I would take the opportunity to write an update. I can hardly believe it has been two weeks since I arrived in Portland. I still get a little jittery when I go over a rumble strip and I have a missing ache that surfaces time to time. I am glad to be surrounded again by such diversity. However, the homelessness, which includes children begging for money has been unsettling.

Cody is acclimating faster than I am. Of course, he is spoiled with lots of attention. He did stun my nephew with one big lick. Poor little guy probably thought he was drowning. Hopefully, he will get used to Cody soon enough, but for now is scared of Cody.

The craziest thing I have seen thus far is at the place I took Cody for a much needed bath. A man, yes, a man was there with a very little dog that was fuchsia! I kid you not! Fuchsia with a pearl necklace collar! OHHHHHHH I wish I had my camera, but really I couldn't make this up!

The movers arrived the following Saturday of my arrival. A fairly uneventful day other than the fact my storage unit had a pool of water in it! UGH!

The new job

Fortunately the first day I worked a half day so I could take care of life. Thus far, Monday was my hardest day. I arrived on a Sunday night and the next day I was at a new job. I don't recommend this! I came from slow paced VT where everything was familiar to the hustle and bustle of a city where nothing and no one was familiar. Work feels like landing in a foreign

country! I stepped off the plane, people are speaking to me, I am reading the signs, but there is no comprehension. I understand some words, but not the context. My mind is scrambling to adjust. Everything takes double the time. How do I use this new fancy TREO mobile work phone!? I need to learn to spell psychiatrist (I work in the mental health department). Where do I park? Where is my car (this is true I couldn't find my car one day)? How do I get to CPK? What does that stand for? Where do I eat?

Picture is my new office building

The Weather

The average temp has been around 65 maybe a few 70 degree days, but the air

is cranked in most buildings so I still dress for winter! The moisture in the air causes my hair to resemble one of those troll dolls! Yeah, quite a fright until I figured out the right product mix! Yesterday two Oregonians said to me thank God it is raining today, it has been dry. I am very confused by this because personally, I am still waiting to see the sun because everyday since I arrived it has drizzled and the sun is hidden by cloud cover. I believe I saw it for 30 minutes one day. So, I am not sure what do with that comment other than it is another reminder that Oregonians LOVE their rain. Two days without a good down pour and by GOD we are in a drought!

Getting around

I think or say out loud frequently, "where the hell am I!?" I have developed a dependence on Tom Tom that at some point I am going to need to break. I can't find my way two blocks without it! When the GPS signal fades, I have a mild panic attack! I have to laugh, given I have found my way around many a foreign country without the aid of a GPS device, but the thought of navigating Portland without the voice of Tom Tom puts me into frozen panic like a deer in the headlights! "OH NO! What do I do now!?" The one thing I forgot about the NW is everyone uses compass directions! It makes me nuts! When someone tells me to go north, well, which way is that!? They ask me is that north or south of 82nd? I DON'T KNOW!! It is the same at work, "my office is in the NE corner." Um, ok I will walk around until I find it then I will know what corner is NE! Do people have internal compasses? Of course, I will probably be doing the same thing in six months.

I can't drive 55!

The speed limit here is maddening!!! It is 55 (if not lower) and most drive 45! The California driver in me just can't handle it. Although, Oregonians are the politest bunch of drivers! Thank goodness I still have VT plates because I have pulled some stunts sometimes to get ahead and sometimes because I don't know where I am! I think I scared my mom last night as I made a few u-turns. I didn't see a sign saying I couldn't.

Finding a place to live!

It is nice to be able to stay with my mom, but I am ready for my own space. Plus, I am suffering from Internet withdrawal and the need for my own routine and space! Life out of a suitcase gets old quickly when I am not outside the United States!

My first weekend, I spent two full days apartment hunting. That was a sobering experience. It is hard transitioning from owning to renting. I saw a lot of dumps and a few possibilities with the help of lots of chemicals. Well, the little bungalow I have always dreamed about showed up! The downside is the neighborhood is a little on the edge. The main issue is prostitution about four blocks away. When I consider the alternative of going back to hearing my neighbors or living in a very run down place, I think I am ok with prostitution four blocks away. I am sure they will keep to their area. The couple who is renting it will be back next year. This will give me some time to think about where I want to be and to see what happens to the market, which will determine if I can sell my condo.

Basically two weeks out I am still a bit in limbo, but am transitioning. I am trying to stay present, but at the same time look forward to having my own space.

Bumper sticker: Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you - GOD.