Moving forward!

Feelings are hard to feel & even harder to understand.
They'll pass when the time is right and not a moment sooner.
----Marcus Aurelius

Well the first two weeks flew by, but this week was on slow motion! Denial is powerful. I thought moving my life across
the U.S. would be like hitting the pause button. I would land in Portland and un-pause. I gave little thought to the impact of loss and change.

I now fully acknowledge - I am in transition. It isn't a pause button. It is a new album. It is closing the door on the past and opening the door to the future. And, that doesn't mean not staying connected to my VT/NH friends.
It means building a life in Portland, finding new places and people to spend time.

I still feel like a visitor as I am living out of a suitcase in my mom's spare bedroom. Is it Christmas?? My present feels pretty groundless. I have nothing to hang onto that feels safe, routine and familiar. I have been away from my family for 25 years so lots of readjustment in that category as well. My VT friend Christine, recommended I read The Future is Now. It is on the list!

I discovered this week memories can be intoxicating and seductive yet so rarely reflect what was. I think moving can bring a lot of things to surface, but as things start to settle to the bottom, you see it is still water -unchanged, it was only temporarily cloudy from the movement. I realized that as long as I am lost in reverie then I am preventing myself from moving forward. As always words are so easy to say and put on paper, it is the action that is the challenge, but all the same I am moving forward. I had a wonderful life in Vermont, but now I am in Oregon.

Saturday I had a glorious morning catching up with a friend from college – reunited through FB, bike riding through Vancouver with her friends, and listening to Portland Taiko Drummers.
http://www.portlandtaiko.org/about/index.html

This morning I had brunch with a childhood friend and her family. YUMMY WAFFLES AND JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE!!

I decided to take the bungalow and will move in August 1. I have lived in a lot of dumps in my lifetime some where mice ruled the household so I want a nice place to hang my hat for this chapter in my life. As a few have suggested via blog comments or e-mail, I have job and man options only four blocks away.

I spend a lot of time at Starbucks, Peet's Coffee & Tea, and the library for Internet access so I look forward to my own place. Although, I found the Peet's in the Pearl has the friendliest people. A lot of other Internet junkies happy to share their Internet hours if they leave early. The advantage is I spend a lot less time surfing given I have limited time.

Work
Meeting with psychiatrists has it advantages – nice offices, low lights, comfy chairs, and couches. This week I felt like I wanted to be the patient with transition blues, but I kept my professionalism and didn't ask for moving blues pills or lie down. I stuck with the ins and outs of Kaiser. Did anyone know they still shock people?! It is quite tame these days – nothing like Hollywood portrays!

I went to a clinic that has rubber wall rooms. Stand in those for awhile, you start to fill a little mind slippage. It would be over for me once the door was shut. I would be bouncing off the walls in no time. HA HA HA!
Of course, I could have used one or two of those when I worked in Orthopaedics.

Other fun mental health facts I have learned is the proper way to slit your wrists if you truly are serious about ending it all. If anyone THINKS of asking me how, I have a few psychiatrists to recommend.

I wish I could post a picture of Mt. Hood, but I have not been carrying my camera around this week. I need to find a more portable case. The view is absolutely stunning. I round the corner and BAM there it is! It takes my breath away!!

Carnage: My mom's neighbor's cat is a killer! I am assaulted with dead birds and mouse parts on a regular basis! LOCK THAT THING UP!!

Questions:
1) Why do monster trucks need to ride your butt? My thought is they must be lacking in size in something. It is always a male driver. It is getting tiring – it must be my VT plates.
2) Can I take the keys away from people who drive sports cars like an old Buick?

I can't make it through U2s new album. It is stuck on Magnificence and Moment of Surrender. Ah, Bono & The Edge!

I haven't lost my in car in awhile and am using Tom Tom (GPS) less and less. I am getting loads of exercise with all the walking as my car is often parked 10-12 blocks away from work.

TRAFFIC. An adjustment. Oregon road rules: Turn on your signal and people brake. I find that entertaining. My mom tells me that it is in the driver's manual to be nice to out of state drivers.

I saw two cars bump into each other like bumper cars. I was in such a daze this week that it looked like it was happening in slow motion. I was completely disconnected that it was happening right in front of me. They bumped doors and parted.

Homelessness is everywhere. It was very much part of my Upper Valley life, but hidden. Here, it is in your face. I read the signs as I sit at a stoplight in my CRV on the way to my paid job. Some of the stories are so sad. I wonder is there a solution or is this part of the society we live in. I thought of something a friend used to say that he had heard somewhere, what is the most important thing. So I am carrying a stack of ones. Now, not for one second do I think I am helping, but I feel it is something. Whether it is the right thing, I don't know.
My grandma used to say the reason she fed the homeless who slept on her front porch is because you never know if one of them might be Jesus. I am not the religious type, but I always liked this saying.

When I was in college I used to hang out with the homeless guys who frequented the curb outside a local bar I frequented. My boldness influenced by youth and alcohol. However, I did hear a lot. A lot I didn't understand at 21 and not sure I understand now.

The mentally ill homeless is another group. It is interesting working in the mental health department and beginning to learn the complexities of the mental health system.

I was walking to the MAX (train) and saw a woman with wild looking hair walking my direction spinning in circles swatting at something only she could see. I felt myself brace as I walked by her thinking she might take a swing at me. She didn't, but she paused and made a spitting sound at me. I felt fear and curiosity. She had a relatively clean appearance and shoes. I wondered where she spent her nights, where she eats, and where she gets her clothes.
I highly recommend The Soloist!



So this blog a bit more somber and no photos. I am going to work on both!